Is It Safe to Say You Are Leaving?

I have decided to leave. He has never hit me. But he has punched the wall beside my head, and once he held the door shut so that I could not go out. He says that if I ever leave him I will regret it. My sister says I should just tell him straight and get it over with. Is it safe to tell him?

Shalini, I cannot judge your safety from a letter, and with respect, neither can your sister. What I can do is tell you when the risk tends to rise and what to have in place first. Please read this before you say anything to him.

The leaving is often the most dangerous part

Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger open their book Splitting with a list of urgent steps. The first is not about lawyers. It is to make an emergency plan.

Their reasoning is that a separation can feel, to some partners, like an unbearable loss of attachment, of pride and of control. They write that the risk of violence can be highest around the time of separation, and that it can appear even where there has been none before.

They list the moments to be careful about. When you say you want to separate. When you actually go. When legal papers are delivered. When a decision goes against them. When they lose time with a child. When the case ends. When you begin a new relationship.

Four questions

The authors ask you to look at your partner’s past behaviour, because the pattern tends to repeat.

• Has he threatened violence against you or the children?
• Does he have a history of violent or impulsive behaviour?
• Does he have a problem with alcohol or drugs?
• Does he have easy access to a weapon?

You have already answered yes to the first two. A fist in the wall beside your head is violence. A door held shut is control. “You will regret it” is a threat.

They mention two more signals. One is your own gut feeling, which they say deserves to be taken seriously. The other is a run of recent losses in his life: a job, a home, contact with a child.

Plan before you announce

Their advice is to work out, quietly and in advance, a safe place you can go, some ready money and people who can help at short notice. Copy important papers and keep them outside the house. Move anything precious somewhere safe.

Ideally, they say, you should speak to a domestic violence service, a therapist or a lawyer before you raise separation at all, so that someone experienced can help you weigh the risk.

How you tell him matters

Where there is no danger, the authors recommend giving a partner notice and time to absorb hard news, so that it does not land as a crisis.

They make a clear exception for safety. Where you are afraid, you do not owe advance warning. They also warn against situations that can turn physical: grabbing at papers or phones, pushing past someone in a doorway. If a conversation has to happen, it does not have to happen alone, at night, in a locked flat.

Paper does not stop a person

A court order to stay away can set a limit, and many people need one. The authors are candid that it does not guarantee safety, and that in some cases being served with one inflames a person further. They urge you to find out how such orders work where you live, and to have a plan for the hours after one is delivered.

Do not carry this alone

Many people hide what is happening at home, out of shame or loyalty. Eddy and Kreger write that secrecy is what allows it to continue. They also note that men are abused too, and are often too embarrassed to say so.

Your sister loves you and wants it over. It will be over sooner, and more safely, if you prepare first.

If you are in immediate danger, call the police or your local emergency number. A domestic violence helpline or family support service in your area can help you make a safety plan. You do not need to have decided to leave in order to call.