Guide
A Loss Without a Name
Some people are lost to us without dying. This guide explains why that kind of loss is so hard, and why it is not your fault.
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
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RESOURCES LIBRARY
Support for Your Mind & Wellbeing
Articles, guides and worksheets to support you between sessions.
Browse our growing library of free resources on relationships, grief and loss, and everyday habits for mind and body. Read online, fill in the worksheets on screen, or print them to use between sessions.
Browse by collection
Ten collections, each on one theme. Click a collection to show only its resources, or choose “Open collection” to start from the beginning.
Guide
What Grief Does to Your Body and Mind
Grief can make you tired, forgetful and restless. This is normal, and it does not mean you are falling apart.
GriefGuide · 5 min read
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Guide
Catch morning daylight soon after waking
Step outside within 30 to 60 minutes of waking and let daylight reach your eyes for 5 to 10 minutes on a clear day. Stay out…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
What If Nobody Has to Be Right?
He has the screenshot. She has the hurt. On the evening every couple loses by winning.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Who Have You Told?
Your brother lives forty minutes away and you tell people he is in Dubai. On the secret a quarter of us are keeping.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
How Long Can You Stand Not Knowing?
A transfer that may or may not come, and an ultimatum on a Friday night. On the answers we grab to make the waiting stop.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Relationship Anxiety or Gut Feeling: How to Tell Them Apart
Six weeks before her wedding, one question keeps her awake. How to tell a real warning from nerves.
Relationship DoubtsArticle · 9 min read
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Article
What If They Never Change?
He cried, and for six weeks he was the man you married. On the premise nobody wants to accept, and what it frees you to do.
Red FlagsArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Are You Suddenly the Villain?
A year ago you were the best thing that ever happened to them. On the pedestal, the drop, and why it is so predictable.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Who Really Knows You?
On walls, windows and the quiet moment when someone else knows more about your life than your partner does.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 3 min read
View →Guide
Making Sense When There Are No Answers
When nobody can tell you what happened, you can still find ways to make sense of your life. This guide shows how one family…
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Pain and Suffering: The Part You Can Change
The pain of missing someone cannot be taken away. But many of the things that make grief heavier can be.
GriefGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Step out into late-afternoon light
Go outside for at least 10 to 15 minutes in the late afternoon or early evening, before the sun sets. This balances your…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Who Is Speaking When You Lose It?
You promised yourself you would stay calm. Then a voice you know too well came out of your mouth.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Why Does It Still Hurt After All These Years?
She is alive, she is in Nagpur, and you have not spoken in four years. On a grief that has no funeral.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Are You Seeing Them, or Your Guess About Them?
He put his keys down hard, or she thinks he did. On a brain that guesses first, and what that does between two people.
UncertaintyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Why Do I Push Away the People I Love?
A lovely weekend, then fault-finding, then relief, then missing her. Why getting close can feel dangerous, and what helps.
Relationship DoubtsArticle · 10 min read
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Article
What Did You See in the First Three Months?
He sent the dal back twice and then said you had beautiful eyes. On the signs that were there from the start.
Red FlagsArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Should You Tell Them What Is Wrong With Them?
You have found the word that explains everything. The case for never saying it aloud, and what to say in its place.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
When Does a Friend Become Something More?
Most affairs do not begin with desire. They begin with a good conversation, and three thresholds nobody notices crossing.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 3 min read
View →Guide
When You Cannot Fix It
Some losses cannot be solved, however hard you try. This guide is about putting your effort where it can make a difference.
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
When It All Feels Too Big
Panic, frightening memories and sudden waves of grief can arrive at any time. Here are simple things you can do in the moment.
GriefGuide · 4 min read
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Dim the lights as night falls
After sunset, keep your lights low, warm and below eye level, and avoid bright overhead lights in the hours before bed. Bright…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Are You Trying to Change the Wrong Person?
You have told them, reasoned with them and sent the articles. There is one move you have not tried.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Who Else Pays for a Family Rift?
Two brothers fought over a house, and five cousins vanished in one summer. On the people a quarrel takes without asking.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Is It the Marriage, or Is It Your Pulse?
Dread at the front door every weekday, gone by Saturday. On feeling as the body’s best guess, and who gets blamed for it.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Is It Chemistry, or Is It Just Familiar?
With the kind man you felt nothing. With the other one you feel everything. On what that feeling may be made of.
Red FlagsArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Fight Back, Give In, or Something Else?
An email written at one in the morning, and the cousin who stopped it. On the third way to respond to an attack.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Was It Something I Did?
The belief that a good marriage prevents affairs is nearly universal. The research does not support it.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 4 min read
View →Guide
Who Am I Now?
When someone is lost but not gone, the people around them often lose their sense of who they are. This guide is about finding…
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Anger in Grief
Anger is a normal part of grief. This guide explains why it comes, and how to let it out without causing harm.
GriefGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Find your natural sleep window
Spend one week going to bed early to discover when your body really wants to sleep. Then pick a schedule that gives you at…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Why Do You Keep Having the Same Fight?
The subject changes. The script does not. What is going on when two cartoons argue for nine years.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Was It Really About the Seating Plan?
A name card on table fourteen ended thirty years between a brother and sister. On the small event that carries everything.
EstrangementArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Who Hit Harder?
Both children swear the other one did, and both are telling the truth. On why your own blows feel light, and perhaps your own…
UncertaintyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Why Is It So Hard to Walk Away From a Bad Bet?
Two perfect days in Coonoor, twice a year. On slot machines, sunk costs and the weight of hope.
Red FlagsArticle · 3 min read
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Article
How Do You Answer a Message Written to Hurt You?
Four hundred words of insult with one real question buried inside. A four-letter method for the reply.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
You Are Not Going Crazy
Discovering an affair is a trauma, and it behaves like one. What is happening to you has a name.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 4 min read
View →Guide
Love, Anger and Guilt All at Once
Unclear loss almost always brings mixed feelings. This guide explains why, and why they do not make you a bad person.
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
When Other People Make It Harder
People often say the wrong thing to someone who is grieving. This guide helps you protect your grief, and let people help you…
GriefGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Keep your bedroom cool at night
Keep your bedroom cool, warm your hands and feet with a hot shower or wash before bed, and let your feet poke out from under…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Can You Love Someone You Look Down On?
Contempt does not need a raised voice. Sometimes it is only a look, and it costs the one who gives it.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Why Would You Go Back?
He has not apologised and you do not exactly miss him. The selfish case for ending a silence.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Doesn’t Reassurance Work?
The tests are clear and she believes them. Then his phone rings out. On why knowing a thing does not teach the body.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Is It Never Enough?
A second job, a new flat, no more Sunday cricket. Then she mentions the neighbours’ terrace.
Red FlagsArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Does Everyone Believe Them?
He cried, and your aunt put her arm around him. How emotion persuades, and what slowly works against it.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Can’t I Stop Asking?
Everyone says the past is the past. The need to know the whole story may be how healing works.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 3 min read
View →Guide
Holding On While Living On
You do not have to stop loving someone who is missing. This guide is about keeping the bond while still moving forward, and…
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Living Alongside Your Loss
You will not go back to how things were, and you do not have to move on. This guide is about carrying your loss into the rest…
GriefGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Warm up gently before you wake
Let your bedroom warm up slightly in the last 1 to 2 hours before you wake, or pull on socks and a sweatshirt if you wake…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Is It Normal to Hate the Person You Love?
Harmony, disharmony, repair. Why the night you cannot stand your partner may be the start of the real marriage.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
What If You Never Agree on What Happened?
She says it was a happy home. You remember the shouting. On going forward without a shared account of the past.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Does a Safe Life Feel Flat?
The flat is paid off and Goa is booked. So why does she want to scream? On the dark room that nobody chooses.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Are You Losing Your Mind?
You used to run a team of forty. Now you write down what you said, with the date. On being told it never happened.
Red FlagsArticle · 4 min read
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Article
What Should You Write Down?
You remember the fear exactly and cannot remember the date. Why the dull habit of a notebook decides so much.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
What Do You Owe the Person You Hurt?
A letter from the one who strayed, and an answer about grief, clean breaks and remorse as a daily practice.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 4 min read
View →Guide
Here, But Not Really Here
Sometimes the person we have lost is sitting in the same room. This guide is about living with a partner or parent lost to…
Ambiguous LossGuide · 4 min read
View →Guide
Nap smart, not long
If you need a nap, keep it to about 20 minutes and never longer than 90 minutes. A short nap sharpens focus without leaving…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
What If You Never Fight?
The calmest couple in the room may be the loneliest. On good manners, full calendars and slow drift.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Do You Really Not Know Why?
A father says he has no idea why his son left. There is a four-page email in his inbox.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Who Are You When the Role Ends?
Twenty-six years of tiffins, and then four o’clock with nothing to do. On the difference between a role and a self.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
How Do You Stay Without Disappearing?
Every article says pack a bag, and you are not going to. A rule for good news, bad news and the weather.
Red FlagsArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Is It Safe to Say You Are Leaving?
The most dangerous moment is often the leaving. Four questions to ask, and what to arrange before you speak.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Can Trust Come Back?
Yes, and almost never through the grand gesture. It returns in small, boring moments that add up.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 4 min read
View →Guide
Recharge with non-sleep deep rest
Non-sleep deep rest, or NSDR, means lying down and following a guided recording that relaxes your body with slow breathing…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
How Do You Say the Hard Thing?
Four sentences for raising what hurts without starting a war, and what to do when you are on the receiving end.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
What Is the Least You Could Accept?
Eleven minutes on a Sunday, and a basket of fruit. On expectations, and who has more to lose by holding to them.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Why Is Your Partner Brave Where You Are Afraid?
He will stake his income and not a sentence. She is the reverse. On six kinds of risk and one old quarrel.
UncertaintyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
What Happens When You Say You Are Going?
On Sunday she told him. By Wednesday her cousins had heard his version. On Friday the lilies came.
Red FlagsArticle · 4 min read
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Article
What Do You Say When Your Child Takes Sides?
A sentence that is not hers, in the car on a Saturday morning. Five things not to do, and why you must not disappear.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
How Did We Get Here?
To explain an affair is not to excuse it. Three maps for reading a relationship backwards.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 4 min read
View →Worksheet
The Family in My Heart
Worksheets · Worksheet 2
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Worksheet
Pain or Suffering? A Week’s Record
Worksheets · Worksheet 3
GriefWorksheet · About 5 minutes
View →Guide
Use sleep supplements carefully, if at all
Fix your light, temperature and timing habits first, then, with your doctor’s approval, you might try one supplement at a time…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Whose Marriage Are You Living In?
A daughter flinches, and a father recognises the flinch. How a childhood gets into a marriage, and how it stops.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Can You Go Back Without Going Under?
By the fourth day of every visit she is fourteen again. On the options between a week at home and nothing.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
What If You Cannot Control How It Ends?
A year of counselling and no guarantee. On what you can still deliver when the outcome is not yours to decide.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
Will They Ever Say Sorry?
Two years on, he has remarried and never apologised. On the apology that is not coming, and some baboons in Kenya.
Red FlagsArticle · 3 min read
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Article
Should You Give Them Everything, Just to End It?
You are exhausted and they want it all. What large concessions buy, and the one thing never to sign.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
What If Forgiving Doesn’t Mean It Was Okay?
Forgiveness is not forgetting, excusing or reuniting. It may be something else entirely.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 3 min read
View →Worksheet
Both Thoughts at Once
Worksheets · Worksheet 3
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Guide
Treat sleeping pills with caution
If you still sleep badly after trying the other protocols, see a doctor rather than reaching for pills. Ask about cognitive…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
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Article
Why Is It So Hard to Ask for a Hug?
Strong at work, sulking at home. The need underneath the silence, and the ten words that replace it.
Conflict & RepairArticle · 2 min read
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Article
Are You Really Done?
Seven birthday cards in a drawer, unopened. On offering one last chance, with conditions, and what you gain if it fails.
EstrangementArticle · 4 min read
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Article
What Do You Keep the Same?
She changed city and career in the year her mother was dying, and ate the same breakfast every day. On what holds us.
UncertaintyArticle · 4 min read
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Article
How Do You Not Do This Again?
A second date, a charming man, and a quiet thought: I know this. On choosing differently without closing up.
Red FlagsArticle · 3 min read
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Article
When Is It Actually Over?
The decree ends the marriage and leaves the pattern in place. On being neither too close nor too cold.
Leaving SafelyArticle · 3 min read
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Article
What Do You Do When an Old Flame Texts?
Love is not a boundary. Seven everyday fences that let a relationship grow in peace.
Infidelity & TrustArticle · 3 min read
View →Worksheet
Telling Children the Truth
Worksheets · Worksheet 4
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 15 minutes
View →Guide
Time your chai and coffee well
Have your last caffeine 8 to 10 hours before bed, or 12 if you are sensitive. If you crash in the afternoon, try delaying your…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
View →Worksheet
What I Can and Cannot Change
Worksheets · Worksheet 5
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Guide
Keep alcohol far from bedtime
Do not use alcohol to help you sleep. If you drink, finish at least 8 hours before bed so most of it has cleared by then…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
View →Guide
Skip cannabis as a sleep aid
Do not use cannabis to fall asleep or to get back to sleep. Its main active chemical, THC, strongly cuts your REM sleep even…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
View →Worksheet
Keeping Our Festivals
Worksheets · Worksheet 7
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Guide
Put screens away before bed
Stop using phones, laptops, tablets and TV at least an hour before bed, and keep them out of your bedroom. If you must use a…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
View →Worksheet
When People Say the Wrong Thing
Worksheets · Worksheet 9
GriefWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Guide
Beat jet lag with well-timed light
Before you fly, nudge your wake time, light, caffeine and exercise 30 to 45 minutes towards the new time zone. After you land…
Daily HabitsGuide · Sleep
View →Worksheet
Caring for the Carer
Worksheets · Worksheet 9
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
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Guide
Walk more, especially after you eat
Build walking into your normal day until you reach about 7,000 steps, or 10,000 if you can. Take a short walk soon after meals…
Daily HabitsGuide · Exercise
View →Worksheet
What Would They Tell Me?
Worksheets · Worksheet 10
Ambiguous LossWorksheet · About 10 minutes
View →Worksheet
Treasures, and a Blessing for Later
Worksheets · Worksheet 11
GriefWorksheet · About 20 minutes
View →Guide
Lift hard three times a week
Train your legs on one day, your chest, back and core on another, and your shoulders and arms on a third, with cardio or rest…
Daily HabitsGuide · Exercise
View →Guide
Three cardio sessions: long, medium, short
Once a week, go long and easy for 45 to 75 minutes. Once a week, go moderately hard for 25 to 30 minutes, and once a week, go…
Daily HabitsGuide · Exercise
View →Guide
Ten minutes to free your hips and shoulders
Two to four times a week, spend ten minutes on four moves: a deep squat with a twist, a hip-flexor stretch, a reverse tabletop…
Daily HabitsGuide · Exercise
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Guide
Calm down fast with the physiological sigh
Breathe in deeply through your nose, add a second short sniff to fill your lungs, then breathe out slowly through your mouth…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
View →Guide
Train your stress muscles with cold water
Get into cold water, in a shower, bucket bath or tub, for 1 to 3 minutes, a few times a week. It should feel uncomfortable but…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
View →Guide
Recharge with deep rest, not sleep
Lie down and follow a guided NSDR (non-sleep deep rest) or yoga nidra recording for 10 to 30 minutes. You stay awake while…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
View →Guide
Five minutes of stillness before your day
Before you get out of bed, set a five-minute timer and focus on slow breathing through your nose. When your mind wanders or…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
View →Guide
Front-load your energy in the morning
Stack three or four energy boosters early in the day: sunlight, water with caffeine, movement and a cold splash. Then keep…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
View →Guide
Supplements for tough stretches, used carefully
If you are already sleeping well and using the habits above but still feel overwhelmed, the book suggests some supplements may…
Daily HabitsGuide · Stress
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Guide
Make nine in ten bites real food
Build at least 90 percent of what you eat from single-ingredient foods such as vegetables, fruit, dal, eggs, chicken, fish…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Drink most of your water early
Drink about 530 to 710 ml of water as soon as you wake, before your chai or coffee. Aim for roughly 2.4 litres across your…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Put protein at the centre of every meal
Aim for 30 to 50 grams of protein at each meal, from foods that give a lot of protein for few calories. The book’s daily…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Fill half your plate with vegetables
Make vegetables the second building block of your diet and fruit the third. Aim for at least 25 grams of fibre a day if you…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Make friends with the right fats
Get most of your fat from unsaturated sources such as olives, avocados, nuts, seeds and oily fish, and cook mainly with olive…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Feed your gut with fermented foods
Each day, enjoy two to four small helpings of fermented food that is low in sugar, such as plain curd, chaas, kefir, kanji or…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
View →Guide
Get your omega-3s from fish or oil
Eat fatty sea fish such as sardines or mackerel once or twice a week. The book also suggests about 1,000 mg of EPA a day from…
Daily HabitsGuide · Nutrition
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Guide
Wake up your cortisol with early light
Within an hour of waking, step outside and let daylight reach your eyes for 10 to 30 minutes. This gives your morning cortisol…
Daily HabitsGuide · Light
View →Guide
Catch late sun to shield your night
Some time after midday and before sunset, step out and look towards the sun’s side of the sky for 5 to 30 minutes. This seems…
Daily HabitsGuide · Light
View →Guide
Keep your last hours dim and warm
In the hour before bed, use only as much light as you need to move around safely, and keep it dim, low and warm. Bright white…
Daily HabitsGuide · Light
View →Guide
Let sunshine reach your skin, safely
On at least three days a week, and ideally daily, spend 20 to 30 minutes outside with some arms and legs uncovered. Sunlight…
Daily HabitsGuide · Light
View →Guide
Try red light for skin, cells and eyes
Red, near-infrared and infrared light can soak into your skin and help your cells make energy. Use a red light panel or the…
Daily HabitsGuide · Light
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Guide
Get alert, calm and ready to focus
Learning needs you to be alert but not stressed. Move your phone to another room, cover the basics of sleep, water and steady…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
View →Guide
Turn your goal into urgent action
Instead of waiting to feel motivated, aim for a sense of urgency. Write down your wish, the feeling of achieving it, the real…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
View →Guide
Make mistakes in the sweet spot
Your brain only changes when there is a gap between what you can do and what you are trying to do. Pick work hard enough that…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
View →Guide
Sleep well after you learn
Studying sets learning in motion, but the rewiring itself happens mostly while you sleep. Protect a full night of sleep after…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
View →Guide
Pause briefly to learn faster
Short pauses between attempts let your brain replay what you just practised at high speed. For physical skills, rest 5 to 30…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
View →Guide
Test yourself to remember more
Most of what you learn fades within days unless you rehearse it. After each session, spend 1 to 5 minutes testing yourself on…
Daily HabitsGuide · Focus & Learning
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Guide
Bring your wandering mind back home
A few times a day, check whether your thoughts are on what you are doing right now. If they have drifted into the past or…
Daily HabitsGuide · Personal Growth
View →Guide
Shut Up, Suit Up, Show Up, then recollect
Psychologist James Hollis offers a daily motto: Shut Up, Suit Up, Show Up. Swap complaining for a few minutes of focused…
Daily HabitsGuide · Personal Growth
View →Guide
Write it out over four days
For four days in a row, write for 15 to 20 minutes about a hard experience that has shaped your life. Cover the events, your…
Daily HabitsGuide · Personal Growth
View →Guide
Let your brain relearn after loss
Grief is less like plain sadness and more like longing for a reward that never comes. Give yourself 10 to 30 minutes a day to…
Daily HabitsGuide · Personal Growth
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These resources are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.