Should You Tell Them What Is Wrong With Them?

I have been reading for months, and everything fits. The charm with outsiders, the rages at home, the way nothing is ever his fault. I am certain my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. I want to tell him, so that he finally understands and gets help. I also want his family and my lawyer to know. My friend says I must not. Why should he not hear the truth?

Nandini, I understand what finding that name gave you. After years of wondering whether it was you, a word arrived that said it was not. Keep the relief. Please do not say the word to him.

The one sentence in capitals

Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger wrote a whole book about divorcing a partner with these patterns. In it there is exactly one sentence printed in capital letters, and they point this out themselves. It tells the reader to keep any opinion about a possible diagnosis private and never to say it to the partner, however tempting.

They return to the warning at the end of the chapter and again at the end of the book. That is how often they have watched it go wrong.

What happens when you say it

In their experience it sets off extreme anger and defensiveness, and sometimes retaliation. They say it can make any cooperation or settlement harder, possibly for years.

Think about why. You are describing a person who cannot bear to be at fault. Now imagine telling that person that the fault is built into who they are. You are hoping for insight. What you will get is a counter-attack.

The authors add that lectures, anger and disdain rarely move such a person. What sometimes does is consequences and a structured programme of change. Arranging that, they say, is neither likely nor your job.

You are not qualified, and neither am I

Only a trained clinician can diagnose a personality disorder, and Eddy and Kreger note that even clinicians disagree with each other. Many people have some of the traits without the disorder.

Their point is that it does not matter. The steps that protect you are the same either way. Nobody needs to prove a diagnosis for you to keep records, set limits and stay calm.

It backfires in front of other people too

You want his family and your lawyer to see it. The authors warn that labels tend to land on the person using them. In a legal setting, they write, someone who announces that their spouse has a disorder may be seen as the one making unpleasant remarks. Some professionals quietly assume that if one of you has a problem, both of you do.

And relatives talk. Whatever you tell his sister, he will hear by evening.

Describe the pattern

What do you do with what you know? You translate it. The authors’ rule is to swap the label for the behaviour: who, what, when and where.

So you do not say, “He is a narcissist.” You say, “Three times this month he shouted at our daughter until she cried. These are the dates.” You do not say, “He lies about everything.” You say, “On the fourth he told the school I had agreed to the trip. I had not, and this is the message that shows it.”

They suggest gathering your concerns into three or four patterns, with a few clear examples under each. A pattern, in their words, gives a clearer picture of a person than any diagnosis could.

Where the name does belong

It belongs in your own head, where it tells you this is not about you. It belongs with your therapist. You can mention it to your lawyer in private, as a suspicion and not as a fact.

The name is for understanding. The moment it is used as a weapon, it stops working, and it starts working against you.