Discernment Counselling
For when one of you is thinking about leaving, and the other isn't ready to let go.
A short, structured process that helps you decide what happens next, with clearer eyes and less pressure. It is not couples therapy, and it does not ask either of you to promise anything you aren't ready to promise.
Does this sound like you?
If you're the one with a foot out the door
- You have thought about ending things for a long time, maybe longer than your partner knows.
- You tried counselling before and came away feeling blamed, or no better.
- You are tired of being asked to "just try". You are not sure you have anything left to try with.
- You haven't decided to leave. You only know that carrying on as things are doesn't work.
If you're the one holding on
- You would do almost anything to keep the marriage, and you are scared that "almost anything" is making it worse.
- You have been pleading, fixing, or being extra nice, and getting a colder reply.
- You want your partner to come to therapy, and you can feel that pushing will only push them further away.
- You can't tell whether your partner has already decided.
Most couples this suits are one of each. Some are both a little of each. Either way, you are not asking the same thing of the room, and that is the problem this process is built around.
The method's authors call these two positions "leaning out" and "leaning in".
Three paths
Every couple that comes to me is looking at the same three options. Our conversations are organised around them.
Stay as you are
What it means. You carry on as things are. No divorce, no therapy.
What it asks of you. Nothing new. Most couples rule this out at first, because "as things are" is what brought them here. A minority do end up choosing it, for now, after looking properly at the other two, and it is a legitimate choice.
Separate or divorce
What it means. You move towards ending the relationship.
What it asks of you. We talk about how to do it with as little damage as possible, especially if there are children. I can point you to mediators and lawyers who work in a cooperative way.
Six months of couples therapy
What it means. You both commit to six months of real work, with divorce off the table during that time. At the end, you decide again.
What it asks of you. Each of you comes with your own list of what you will change. This is not "let's try and see". It is a serious, time-limited commitment, and you can still leave afterwards.
Path 3 is not a promise to stay married forever. It is six months of honest effort, so that a decision about the rest of your lives isn't made on the strength of your worst week. Divorce is not treated as a failure in this process. It is one of the options we look at properly, even if only one of you is actively considering it.
Questions people ask
Do we both have to want to be here?
No. The process is built for the case where you don't. The only things I ask are that each of you chooses to come, and that you agree to one session at a time.
Will you tell my partner what I say in my own session?
I don't pass on what either of you tells me privately. What each of you brings back to the room is what you choose to say. I will tell each of you, when it helps, what I think I'm seeing, in general terms, without repeating what was said.
What if my partner won't come?
Then I'd ask you to let them decide in their own time. I won't call them first. You are welcome to book a session on your own to think about it. If your partner never joins, we can work on what you want and need individually.
Can we do just one session?
Yes. Many couples come once, and find that the first one helps them decide what to do next, including whether to come back.
We're already in couples therapy. Is this different?
Yes, if you've both stopped believing it's working or one of you has stopped believing in it. Discernment counselling doesn't replace your therapist. It can run alongside, or sit between rounds of therapy. I'd want to speak to you about how to do it respectfully.
Do we need to have spoken to a lawyer, or not?
Either is fine. Some couples come before any legal step. Others have already seen a lawyer. It helps me to know where you are.
What happens when the five sessions are up?
You decide, or you decide to wait. You aren't forced to choose. Some couples take the path of staying as they are, and a few come back later. A few more sessions can happen when it truly helps, but I don't let it go on and on.
Are you on the side of saving the marriage?
I'm on the side of both of you deciding well. I won't push you towards staying, and I won't push you towards leaving. I will keep the option of working at it available until one of you takes it off the table.
What about our children?
They are part of the decision, whatever you choose. We talk about what you each fear for them, and what is actually likely to help them. If you decide to separate, I can help you plan how to tell them.
Can unmarried or same-sex couples come?
The method was designed for couples who made a lasting commitment, married or not, of any gender.
Safety first
Before we begin I ask each of you a few private questions about how safe you feel at home. If either of you is afraid of the other, or there is violence or control, this process isn't the right place to start. I would arrange individual support first.
If you are in danger now, call 112 from any phone (police, ambulance and fire). Women can also call the Women Helpline on 181, or the National Commission for Women helpline on 14490. If things feel overwhelming or hopeless, Tele MANAS on 14416 is free, open 24 hours, and available in many Indian languages.
How to begin
If you're the one reaching out
Call or write to me about yourself. Tell me what's going on and what you'd hope to get out of it. I'll speak to your partner only when they contact me. Each of you will have a short, private conversation before we meet.
If you're the one who was asked to call
You are free to say no. If you are curious, call me. Ask me anything. That conversation is just for you.