When Other People Make It Harder

Four months after her younger sister died, Vidya’s aunt asked her when she was going to “come out of it”. A colleague told her that everything happens for a reason. Her mother wanted to give her sister’s clothes to the temple, but Vidya wanted to keep them a little longer. Everyone had an opinion, and Vidya had less and less energy to answer any of them.

Why people say hurtful things

One evening, Vidya talked to her friend Gita, who had lost her brother a few years earlier. Gita said, “Most people are not trying to hurt you. They are trying to make your sadness stop, because your sadness makes them feel helpless.”

When people feel helpless, they reach for quick comfort. They say, “She is in a better place,” or “Time heals,” or “At least she did not suffer.” They mean these words kindly. But often, the hidden message is: please stop being sad.

Gita showed Vidya a simple test. Add the words “so stop being sad” to the end of the remark. If the sentence still makes sense, the remark was asking you to hurry your grief.

After that, these remarks still hurt Vidya. But she understood why they hurt, and she stopped blaming herself for minding.

You do not have to defend your grief

Vidya’s aunt kept asking when she would “come out of it”. Each time, Vidya tried to explain, and each time they ended up arguing. Gita told her that she did not need to win the argument. She only needed to leave it. Then she taught her three short steps.

First, you thank the person for caring. Second, you say clearly that you will grieve in your own way. Third, you change the subject. The next time her aunt asked, Vidya said, “I know you care about me. I am going to grieve in my own way, and I do not want to discuss it. Tell me, how is Pinky’s new school?” Her aunt looked surprised, but she began talking about the school.

If someone keeps pushing, you can repeat one short sentence, such as “That is not something I will discuss.” You can also end the conversation and walk away. It feels stiff the first few times, but it becomes easier with practice.

Decisions can wait

Vidya’s mother wanted to give away all of her sister’s clothes straight away, and Vidya was not ready. Gita gave her another simple test. Imagine doing the thing tomorrow. If the thought makes your stomach turn, it is not time yet. If it feels possible, you may be ready.

Vidya and her mother agreed to give away a few clothes now and to keep the rest for a year. Some decisions, especially about money and legal papers, do have real deadlines, and for those it helps to ask a trusted person for help. Most other decisions can wait until you are ready. Someone else’s discomfort is not your deadline.

Let people help in ways that work

Many people told Vidya, “Let me know if you need anything,” and then waited for her to call. But grief had left Vidya with no energy to think of tasks. So she made a list. When people offered help, she could now say, “Could you bring dinner on Thursday?” or “Could you come with me to the bank?” Most people were glad to have something real to do.

Vidya also agreed on a simple code with Gita and her cousin. A sun meant that she was okay. A cup of tea meant that she wanted company without talking. A cloud meant that the day was hard. A bell meant that she needed help straight away. Now she could answer “How are you?” with a single emoji.

How it went for Vidya

The remarks did not stop completely. But Vidya stopped arguing about her grief, and she began asking for the help she needed. A few relationships became more distant. Others, like her friendship with Gita, became much closer than before.