Anger in Grief

Jaswinder’s son was killed on the highway by a truck driver who did not stop. At the bhog ceremony, a relative put a hand on Jaswinder’s shoulder and said, “It was written. It was His will.” Jaswinder walked out of the hall, sat in his car and shouted until his voice gave out. Afterwards he felt deeply ashamed, because he had always been the calm one in the family.

Why grief makes us angry

A few weeks later, Jaswinder met a counsellor. He told her about the car and the shouting, and he said he was ashamed. She told him, “Your anger makes sense. Your son’s death was unfair.”

Anger is how people respond when something feels unfair, and death is often unfair. It comes too early, or in the wrong way, or to the wrong person. Jaswinder was angry at the driver who did not stop. He was angry at the relative who called it God’s will. On some nights, he was even angry at his son for riding on that road, and then he felt guilty for being angry at all. All of these feelings are common. People in grief also feel angry at doctors, at God, at friends who stay away, and at themselves.

Underneath anger, there is often love

The counsellor asked Jaswinder a question: “What are you protecting when you feel this angry?” He was quiet for a long time. Then he said, “My son. Nobody is fighting for him now.”

Anger in grief often has love underneath it. It is a fierce wish to protect the person who died, and to protect yourself.

What happens when anger is held in

Jaswinder had always been taught that a man must stay calm, especially in a house of mourning. So he swallowed his anger. But anger that is pushed down does not disappear. It can turn into harsh self-blame. Or it can build up until it bursts out as rage, at the wrong person and at the wrong time.

The counsellor compared anger to a pressure cooker. A cooker lets out steam a little at a time through its whistle, and so it stays safe. If you block the whistle, the pressure builds until the lid blows.

Giving anger somewhere safe to go

The aim is not to stop being angry. The aim is to let the anger out in ways that do no harm. Together, Jaswinder and the counsellor made a list of safe ways.

Jaswinder began writing in a notebook every night, and he started each page with the words “Of course I am angry.” He walked fast around the park every morning. After some months, he joined a group that campaigns for safer highways in Punjab. His anger became a way of fighting for other people’s sons.

Before you pour your anger out to a friend, it helps to ask first. You might say, “Can I tell you how angry I am, without you trying to fix it?” Asking gives your friend a choice, and it makes it more likely that they will listen properly.

It also helps to check your anger every day, in the same way that you might check a temperature.

One line not to cross

Anger tells you that something matters. It never gives you permission to hurt yourself or anyone else. If you are afraid of what your anger might do, or if it is turning into thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to a professional soon.

How it went for Jaswinder

Jaswinder is still angry about his son’s death, and he may always be. But his anger no longer frightens him or shames him. He knows where it comes from, and he has given it safe places to go.