When It All Feels Too Big

Salma was buying vegetables when she saw the guavas her mother always used to choose. Her chest went tight and her hands began to shake. She left her bag at the stall and walked out of the market. That night, the pictures from the hospital came back again: the monitors, and her mother’s last breath. Salma began to fear that she was losing control.

Why grief brings fear

Salma’s younger brother found her sitting in the car outside the market. She told him she thought she was going mad. He sat beside her and said gently, “Ammi has died. Of course you are frightened.”

After a death, the world feels less safe. Something terrible has already happened, so the mind starts watching for the next terrible thing. You may worry about the people you still have. You may feel panic for no clear reason. This is common in grief, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

It helps to understand what anxiety is. Anxiety works like a smoke alarm in a kitchen. A smoke alarm rings loudly when there is a fire, but it also rings when someone burns the toast. The ringing tells you that your body feels unsafe. It does not tell you that something bad is about to happen.

One thing to remember in a panic

When panic rises, it is very hard to remember a long list of advice. So Salma learnt just one thing. She breathed out for longer than she breathed in. She breathed in while counting to four, and she breathed out while counting to six. A long out-breath tells the body that it is safe to slow down.

Some people are told to focus on their heartbeat or the feelings in their body. After a death in hospital, this can make fear worse, because the body reminds you of illness. Salma found that this was true for her, so she used the next idea instead.

Give your mind a simple job

When a wave of grief hits in a public place, you can give your mind a dull, simple job. You can count everything blue that you can see. You can name one fruit for every letter from A to Z. You can count backwards from one hundred in sevens. These jobs do not solve anything. They simply give your mind something to hold until the wave passes.

The next time Salma felt a wave in the market, she counted blue things. She counted a bucket, a plastic sheet, a man’s shirt and an auto-rickshaw. By the time she reached twelve, the worst of the wave had passed. That evening, at home, she let herself cry for her mother.

Turning away from grief when you cannot safely feel it is not running away. It is a way of looking after yourself until you are somewhere safe.

A calm picture for the hard memories

The pictures from the hospital kept coming back to Salma at night. You cannot simply order your mind to stop showing you a memory. What helps is to have another picture ready, one that feels calm and safe.

Salma chose her mother’s kitchen on a winter morning. She could see the steam rising from the chai. She could hear the radio playing old songs, and she could smell cardamom. Every time the hospital pictures came, she gently turned her mind towards the kitchen. At first this was hard. After a few weeks, she could find the kitchen much more easily.

How it went for Salma

Salma still has hard moments, and she still misses her mother deeply. But she no longer believes she is going mad. She knows that her fear is part of grief, and she knows what to do when it rises.