Common Ground

Repair  ·  Power

How Do You Say the Hard Thing?

Four sentences for raising what hurts without starting a war, and what to do when you are on the receiving end.

2 min read

Pooja rehearsed it in the shower for three days. She was going to calmly explain that Sunday had upset her: she had cooked for his parents, cleared up and washed up, while Arnav watched the cricket.

What she actually said, on Wednesday night, with a tea towel in her hand, was: “You never help. You have never once helped. You are exactly like your father.”

Arnav said, “I am not doing this,” and went to bed.

What is going on

The family therapist Terrence Real says this is how most of us raise a problem.1 We keep it in until it goes sour. By the time it comes out, we are furious, and we speak like a judge handing down a verdict.

A rising line of pressure over four days. Sunday: the hurt happens and is swallowed. Monday to Tuesday: rehearsing in the shower. Wednesday: it bursts out with anger and authority, “you never help, you are exactly like your father”. Pressure inside Sunday Mon–Tue Wednesday Swallowed Rehearsed “You never help!”
How most of us raise an issue: hold it in until it festers, then speak from anger and authority.1

The opening matters a great deal. In a study that followed newly married couples for six years, the first three minutes of an argument predicted which marriages lasted. Couples who later divorced tended to start with more negativity and less warmth.2

Pooja’s words also tell Arnav who he is: a bad person, like his father. There is nothing he can do with that except defend himself, or leave the room.

What helps

Real teaches a simple four-part way to raise a problem, called the feedback wheel. Each part is just a sentence or two.

The feedback wheel as a circle cut into four parts, read clockwise: 1, what happened, as a camera would see it; 2, what I made up about it; 3, how I felt; 4, what would help, the step most people leave out. 1. What happened As a camera saw it. 2. What I made up My story, owned. 3. How I felt A feeling, not a verdict. 4. What would help Most people skip it.
Janet Hurley’s feedback wheel, as Real teaches it. Four parts, a sentence or two each.1
  1. What happened. One specific event, as a camera would have recorded it. No “always” or “never”.
  2. What I made up about it. The story your mind told you. Calling it “made up” reminds you both it is your reading, not a fact.
  3. How I felt. A real feeling: hurt, lonely, sad, angry. “I feel like you do not care” is a judgement, not a feeling.
  4. What would help. One clear, doable request. Without it, your partner has no way to put things right.

Here is Pooja’s speech, rebuilt.

Pooja’s words compared, step by step. What she said: you never help, you have never once helped, you are exactly like your father. Rebuilt: on Sunday I cooked and cleaned while you watched the cricket; what I made up is that my time does not count; I felt hurt, lonely and angry; what would help is if Sunday lunch became yours. What she said Rebuilt “You never help.” “On Sunday I cooked and cleaned up while you watched the cricket.” “You have never once helped.” “What I made up is that my time does not count.” “You are exactly like your father.” “I felt hurt and lonely, and yes, angry.” (Nothing he can do.) “What would help is if Sunday lunch became yours.”
The same hurt, said two ways. The first tells Arnav who he is. The second tells him how to succeed.1

Start gently, and you can be firm and loving at the same time: “I love you, and this is not okay.” Then stop talking, and let your partner answer.

If you are on the receiving end, remember it is not your turn. Real compares it to a shop counter: a customer with a broken microwave does not want to hear that your toaster is broken too.

A customer service counter. The customer says my microwave is broken. The wrong reply, my toaster is broken too, is crossed out. The right replies, in order: say back what you heard, own what you can with no but, give what you can. “My microwave is broken.” Customer “So is my toaster.” 1. Say back what you heard 2. Own what you can, no “but” 3. Give what you can, and lead with it
Repair goes one way at a time. When your partner brings a hurt, it is not your turn.1

When this is not enough. If raising anything at all leads to threats, punishment or fear, the problem is not your wording. Speak to a counsellor on your own. In India, the women’s helpline is 181 and the emergency number is 112. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

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