Can You Love Someone You Look Down On?
Contempt does not need a raised voice. Sometimes it is only a look, and it costs the one who gives it.
My husband says I make him feel small. I do not shout or insult him. But I earn more, I am the organised one, and if I am frank I am usually right. When he does something foolish I cannot hide what I think. He says it is the look on my face. Is it wrong to have standards?
Aditi, there is nothing wrong with standards. Your husband is not reacting to your standards. He is reacting to the look.
What is going on
That look is contempt: the feeling that another person is beneath you, foolish or not worth taking seriously. It needs no words. A sigh, a rolled eye or a small smile is enough, and the other person feels it at once. Couples research takes it very seriously. Of all the habits studied by the Gottman Institute, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.2
The family therapist Terrence Real offers a helpful picture.1 Think of contempt as a torch. Pointed at other people, it makes you feel superior: “What an idiot he is.” Pointed at yourself, it makes you feel worthless: “What an idiot I am.” It is the same habit of ranking people, just aimed in two directions.
Why did you not notice it? Because feeling small hurts, so we always notice it. Feeling superior does not hurt. In the moment it feels clear and correct. Nothing inside raises an alarm, so you have to catch it on purpose.
You may well be more organised and earn more. Those are facts about skills and salaries, not about worth. Real calls the healthy position “same-as”: neither above your partner nor below them. Love, he says, does not work from above or below. A person who is constantly corrected and silently graded does not come closer. They shrink, or they pull away.
What helps
Before you speak, ask yourself one question. Then ask your face the same question.
If you are the partner who feels small, notice whether you are feeling guilt or shame. Guilt says “I did something wrong” and leads you to put it right. Shame says “I am bad” and makes you want to hide or hit back.3 Aim for guilt about actions, never shame about who you are. And remember that “same-as” works both ways: it also means not accepting contempt from your partner.
When this is not enough. If contempt at home has become insults, threats or control over money, friends or movement, that is abuse, not a communication style. Speak to a counsellor; in India, the women’s helpline is 181 and the emergency number is 112. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.