He has the screenshot. She has the hurt. On the evening every couple loses by winning.
2 min read
It is ten at night and Naveen is scrolling through his messages to find the proof. “There. Tuesday, 4.12 pm. ‘Will try to be back by seven.’ I never promised.”
Anjali had cooked for both of them. She waited until eight, then ate alone. Now she looks at the screen he is holding up and feels herself shut down inside.
He is right. The message says exactly what he says it says. He has won the argument. And both of them go to bed feeling worse.
What is going on
The family therapist Terrence Real calls this an “objectivity battle”: a fight where each person tries to prove that their version of events is the true one, as if a judge will rule at the end.1
The trouble is that the two of them are not arguing about the same thing. Naveen is talking about what was typed. Anjali is talking about how the evening felt: “I waited for you, and I felt as if I did not matter.” A screenshot can settle the first. It cannot touch the second, because a feeling is not a claim about Tuesday. It is a report from inside her.
Two kinds of truth. A screenshot can settle the left box. It cannot touch the right one.1
So the argument goes round in circles. Each person is sure they are right, and neither feels heard. Real’s advice is to stop asking “who is right?” and ask a team question instead: “how can we deal with this in a way that works for both of us?”
Real’s swap: from “who is right?” to “how do we, as a team, handle this?”1
This is not giving in. You do not have to agree with your partner’s version of events. You remember it one way, they remember it another, and both of you can still be listened to.
What helps
Real teaches one sentence for the moment your partner is upset with you:
“I am sorry you felt bad. Is there anything I can say or do right now that would help?”
It does not say who was right, and it does not defend or explain. It simply turns away from the evidence and towards the person, and asks what they need.
The line Real asks one husband to stick on his shaving mirror, taken apart.1
It also helps to look at a fight from a step away. In one two-year study, couples who spent seven minutes, three times over a year, writing about their latest argument as a kind, neutral friend would see it, did not show the drop in marriage happiness that the other couples did.2
When this is not enough. If arguments at home include threats, shoving or fear, this essay is not the right tool. Speak to a counsellor on your own first. In an emergency in India, call 112; the women’s helpline is 181. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.
Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India
These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.