Common Ground

Teamwork

Are You Trying to Change the Wrong Person?

You have told them, reasoned with them and sent the articles. There is one move you have not tried.

2 min read

My wife and I have not been close, in any sense, for almost two years. I have told her this is not normal. I have sent her articles. I have asked what is wrong with her. Nothing changes, and I am getting angrier. How do I make her see that we have a problem?

Ishaan

Ishaan, look at your letter again. Told her, sent her, asked what is wrong with her, make her see. Every action is aimed at changing your wife. None is about what you could change in yourself. That is what most of us do when we are unhappy. It is also why nothing has moved.

What is going on

The family therapist Terrence Real uses the picture of a seesaw.1 A heavy man sits on the low end, feet on the ground, shouting at his wife to come down. But she is up in the air because of where he is sitting. On a seesaw, your position sets the other person’s position. The one move that would work is the one he has not tried: shifting his own weight.

A seesaw. A heavy man sits on the low end shouting up at his wife to come down. She is stuck high on the other end. A note says she cannot come down until he shifts his own weight. Him Her “Come down! Why are you so cold?” What he cannot see is the seesaw.
Real’s seesaw. Her position is set by his. The only end he can move is his own.1

In a couple, the seesaw is the pattern between you. The more one person pushes and complains, the more the other pulls away. The more the other pulls away, the more the first one pushes. Each is reacting to the other, and both feel like the victim.

The more-the-more loop: the more I complain, the more you withdraw; the more you withdraw, the more lonely I feel; the more lonely I feel, the more I complain. A side note says change only your own half. The more I complain… …the more you go quiet. The more you go quiet… …the more I complain.
Real’s “the more I…, the more you…” form. You can only change your half, so start there.1

Complaining makes this worse, even when the complaint is fair. Nobody has ever been criticised into feeling close or wanting someone. Compare these two ways of saying the same thing:

Two ways to raise the same need. A man asserting his rights says: I will not live like this for the rest of my life. A man talking to his wife says: we both deserve a good love life, I miss you, what do we need to do as a team?A man asserting his rights “I will not live like this for the rest of my life.” A man talking to his wife “We both deserve a good love life. I miss you. What do we need to do, as a team, to put this right?”
Same need, two speakers. Nobody has ever been criticised into desire.1

The first makes her the problem. The second says you miss her and invites her to work on it with you.

It also helps to know how much we affect each other’s bodies. In one brain-scan study, holding a husband’s hand calmed a wife’s fear response more than holding a stranger’s did, and most of all in happier marriages.2 A loving partner calms us. A critical one keeps us on alert. If you have felt lonely for two years, she probably has too.

What helps

You cannot make another adult change. You can change your end of the seesaw, and when you do, her end moves too. Real’s rule is simple: if you want more of something, start by giving it.

A table: if you want more fun, plan the evening; more warmth, be warm first; more desire, court your partner again; more closeness, ask what would make it easier to be close to you, then do it. If you want more… …try giving it Fun Plan the evening yourself. Warmth Be warm first. Desire Court her. What did you do when you were dating? Closeness Ask: “What would make it easier to be close to me?” Then do it.
Real’s rule: if you want more of something, try giving it.1

When this is not enough. If your partner refuses all closeness and you feel hopeless, or if either of you feels pushed into sex, see a couples counsellor. Nobody owes sex, and pressure makes distance worse. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

All resourcesBook a sessionDisclaimerPrivacy policyContact