Common Ground

Conflict  ·  Reactivity

Why Do You Keep Having the Same Fight?

The subject changes. The script does not. What is going on when two cartoons argue for nine years.

2 min read

Kavya and Aditya have been having the same argument for nine years. This week it is the school fees. They were due on Monday. Aditya paid on Thursday, with a late charge.

“Of course,” says Kavya. “Here we go,” says Aditya. Each knows the other’s lines by heart. She will say she cannot rely on him for anything. He will say nothing he does is ever enough. In forty minutes they will be in separate rooms.

What is going on

Repeating arguments are normal. Research by John Gottman suggests that about two in three disagreements between partners never fully go away, because they come from lasting differences between two people.2 The goal is not to win them once and for all. It is to stop having them in the same painful way.

The family therapist Terrence Real explains why the same fight keeps repeating.1 When we are hurt, we stop seeing our partner as a whole person. We see a cartoon of them at their worst, with one feature blown up until it is the whole picture.

To Kavya, Aditya becomes “the boy” who has to be managed. To Aditya, Kavya becomes “the headmistress” who can never be pleased. So when the fees are late, neither is talking to the real person. Two cartoons are arguing.

Kavya and Aditya stand at the bottom. Above each is the cartoon the other one sees: above Aditya, an overgrown boy who has to be managed; above Kavya, a headmistress who can never be pleased. The arrows show each partner speaking to the other’s cartoon, not to the person. “The boy” How Kavya sees Aditya at his worst: an overgrown boy who has to be managed. “The headmistress” How Aditya sees Kavya at her worst: someone who can never be pleased. Aditya Kavya Neither is speaking to the real person.
Each is talking to a cartoon. The two cartoons can fight for hours.1

Here is the uncomfortable part. Every cartoon has a small true part. Aditya really is sometimes careless with deadlines. But when we hear the cartoon, we fight the exaggeration and ignore the true part: “I am not a child! It was three days!” To the listener, that sounds exactly like someone who will not take responsibility. So defending yourself makes the cartoon stronger.

A large cloud labelled the cartoon, an exaggeration, with a small dot inside labelled the grain of truth. Two paths: fight the exaggeration, and the picture is confirmed; own the grain, and the exaggeration relaxes. The cartoon an exaggeration the grain of truth Fight the exaggeration “I am not a child! It was three days!” Own the grain “Yes. I paid late. That was careless, and not the first time.” The picture is confirmed The cartoon relaxes
The cartoon is an exaggeration, but an exaggeration of you.1

What helps

Own the true part, with no “but”. “Yes, I paid late. That was careless, and it is not the first time.” Then stop. Owning the small true part lets the exaggeration relax.

Do the opposite of the cartoon. Your partner’s worst picture of you tells you exactly which small actions will mean the most to them. If Aditya is “the irresponsible boy”, buying washing powder before it runs out, without being asked, will mean more to Kavya than flowers.

A scale from left to right. At the left, anything that resembles the cartoon upsets your partner out of all proportion. At the right, anything visibly opposite to it delights them out of all proportion. Example: buying detergent unprompted. Looks like the cartoon Paying late. Upsets her far more than the act deserves. Opposite to the cartoon Buying washing powder before it runs out. Delights her far more than flowers. Out of proportion: bad Out of proportion: good
Their worst picture of you is also a guide: it tells you which small actions will mean the most.1

Complain about one event, not about who they are. “You paid late” gives your partner something to fix. “You always do this” gives them less. “You are irresponsible” gives them nothing at all.

A ladder with three rungs climbing upward: event, you paid late; pattern, you always do this; character, you are just irresponsible. A bar beside it shows what the partner can do shrinking from a lot at the bottom to nothing at the top. Character “You are just irresponsible.” They can: Nothing Pattern “You always do this.” They can: Hardly anything Event “You paid late this time.” They can: Apologise, fix it Stay on the bottom rung
From one event, to a pattern, to an attack on the person. Each step up leaves your partner with less they can do about it.1

When this is not enough. If the same fight now includes name-calling, threats or fear, the pattern needs more than a self-help exercise. A couples counsellor can help, and if you feel unsafe, see someone on your own first. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

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