You promised yourself you would stay calm. Then a voice you know too well came out of your mouth.
3 min read
I promised myself I would never speak to my husband the way my mother spoke to my father. Last night he forgot to collect our son from tuition, and what came out of my mouth was her voice, word for word. Afterwards I sat in the bathroom and cried. I am a calm person everywhere else. Why can I not stop?
Tara, the better question may be: who was speaking? Because it does not sound like the calm woman who wrote this letter.
What is going on
When we feel threatened, even by something as ordinary as a forgotten pick-up, the thinking part of the brain goes quiet. This is the part that plans, weighs things up and remembers that you love this man. Faster survival reactions take over. Their only job is to protect you, quickly.3
What stress does to the brain, simplified. Stress chemicals quickly weaken the front of the brain and strengthen faster, older reactions.3
The family therapist Terrence Real says that in those moments, an old part of us takes charge. He calls it the “Adaptive Child”, a term from his teacher Pia Mellody.1,2
In plain words: as children, we all invent ways to cope when something hurts or scares us. We might shout back, go silent, or try to keep everyone happy. These habits helped us then. We carry them into adult life, and under stress they switch on by themselves, as if a frightened child were running things in an adult’s body.
When this part feels threatened, it does one of three things, automatically. Your adult self has a fourth choice: to pause.
When we feel threatened, three reactions happen by themselves. The fourth, pausing, has to be chosen.1
You heard your mother’s voice. Somewhere, a little girl watched how a grown woman handled being let down, and learned “this is what you do”. It helped her cope then. It hurts her now.
The same habit, forty years apart. Ask what the little girl was trying to cope with.1
Real puts it like this. Imagine that younger you has climbed into the driver’s seat of your car and has her small, sticky hands on the steering wheel. She is now the one steering your words, and she is too young to drive. You do not throw her out. You put her on your lap, listen to what upset her, and take her hands off the wheel, so that the adult you can steer again.
In practice, that sounds like telling yourself: “I feel the way I felt as a girl when things went wrong. That makes sense. But I am the grown-up, and I will decide what to say.”
What helps
The skill is to catch the moment before the old habit takes over, and give your thinking brain time to come back. A short break does exactly that. Slow breathing helps too, especially long breaths out, which calm the body.4
And go easy on yourself afterwards. Being harsh with yourself in the bathroom is the same habit, pointed inwards.
When this is not enough. If you lose control often, if anger turns physical, or if you frighten your children, work with a counsellor or psychologist. That is a strength, not a failure. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.
Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India
These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.