How Do You Not Do This Again?

Isha has been on her own for eight months. Tonight is her second dinner with Rohit.

He is funny. He ordered for both of them without asking. He has told her about the company he is going to sell for more money than she can picture. He has said twice that he has never met anyone like her.

She feels the old lift in her chest. Then a second thought arrives, very quietly. I know this.

The odds are not kind

The psychologist Ramani Durvasula does not flatter people who have come out of a relationship with a narcissistic partner. She tells them they are likely to choose the same kind of person again.

Her reasons are the ones that got them in the first time. That kind of person is often the most magnetic in the room. The pull of the familiar is strong. And the fear of being alone hurries people into the next relationship before they have looked at it.

She adds something I did not expect from the author of a book like this. Knowing all of it, she writes, she has chosen such partners herself. Knowledge does not protect you on its own.

Keep the feelings switched on

In the old relationship you learnt to mute what you felt, because feeling it got you nowhere. Durvasula warns that the habit outlasts the relationship. If you stay numb, you lose your alarm. Her advice is to let the feelings come and to remember them.

That quiet second thought at dinner is the alarm working.

Three phases, no timetable

She borrows a map from Eleanor Payson, a therapist who works with people recovering from partners like this. First comes awareness, seeing the pattern for what it is. Then emotional healing, which needs time, rest, friends and often therapy. Then empowerment, which means learning to speak up for yourself and to let nobody plant doubt in you again.

She refuses to put dates on any of it. If you are still struggling a year later, she says, that is all right.

She also cites work by John Helliwell and Robert Putnam, who found across large samples in the United States and Canada that our ties to family, neighbours and community go along with better health and well-being. Those were probably the ties you let lapse. Rebuilding them is part of the cure.

What you may have picked up

Durvasula makes an uncomfortable observation. Years with a partner who showed no empathy can leave you out of practice. She likens it to a language you have not spoken in a long time. People coming out of these relationships can be clipped and guarded with everyone, and can treat friends the way they were treated.

Notice how you have been with the people who stayed.

Look at the quiet one

Her advice about choosing is simple and difficult. Look past the most charming person in the room. Kindness, respect and empathy are what a long life with someone is built from. She thinks we would be spared a great deal if we admired kindness as much as swagger.

She also points out that the low opinion you may hold of yourself was not written by your last partner. It is older than him. He only confirmed it. That is the part to work on, with help.

And do not overcorrect

The opposite risk is real too. Having been hurt, you may leave at the first imperfection. She asks you to go slowly and stay open. She is firm that this relationship must not be allowed to take your compassion with it. Where someone has earned your trust, give it.

Isha does not have to walk out of the restaurant. She can simply watch, which she did not know how to do last time.