What Do You Say When Your Child Takes Sides?

Kiran is eleven. She gets into the car on Saturday morning, puts her bag on her knees and says, without looking at her father, “Mama says you chose your new flat over us.”

Deepak grips the steering wheel. The sentence is not an eleven-year-old’s sentence. He knows precisely whose it is.

Everything in him wants to say: your mother is lying to you. He has the facts. He could prove it before they reach the end of the road.

The following week Kiran says she does not want to come.

The sentence that is not hers

Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger write about this in their book Splitting, and they tread carefully. A child resisting or refusing one parent after a separation is often called parental alienation. They note that the term is controversial and that professionals disagree sharply about its causes.

Sometimes, they acknowledge, a child pulls away because of how that parent has behaved. So the first thing to do is look honestly at yourself.

Where that is not the cause, Eddy’s view is that the process is mostly unconscious. A child who is exposed again and again to one parent’s all-or-nothing thinking and unmanaged emotion starts to absorb it. The child is not being coached with a script so much as breathing the air in the house.

Five things not to do

The authors give parents a short list at the very front of the book. Whatever the provocation, avoid these.

1. Asking your children questions about the other parent.
2. Discussing the legal case with them, or where they can hear.
3. Asking them to compare the two of you.
4. Giving them choices between their parents.
5. Exposing them to your own anger and distress about it.

Deepak’s proof, delivered in the car, would break at least three of the five.

It is not her fault

The authors say this directly. Do not get angry at the child. She is caught in the middle and did not choose to be there.

They go further. A parent’s anger at being rejected, or a parent’s passivity in the face of it, can make the rift deeper. Arguing your case to a child asks her to be the judge. No eleven-year-old should have that job.

Do not disappear

When a child says “I never want to see you again”, the reply that comes to mind is “Fine. Then I will stop trying.” Eddy and Kreger call that reaction understandable and unwise.

They suggest saying something else. In substance: I know you are caught in the middle. Thinking of people as all good or all bad is not healthy for you. You need both your parents. Whatever you decide, I will still love you, and I will keep in touch.

Then you do keep in touch. They recommend sending cards or notes from time to time. The notes should not be about the dispute or about her behaviour. They should be about her life, and the things you have learned that might help her in it. Keep a copy of every one.

Why keep copies? The authors report that most children do make contact again, months or years later. When they do, they sometimes ask why you did not care enough to try. The notes are your answer.

Say one good thing

The other half of their advice is harder. Tell your children that you support their relationship with the other parent. Do not get in the way of that parent’s time. Now and then, say something positive and true about them.

It protects the child from having to choose. It also protects you, because the same accusation can be turned around and aimed at you.

None of this means sending a child into harm. If you believe your child is being abused or is unsafe, write down what you have seen and get professional and legal help straight away.