Should You Give Them Everything, Just to End It?

I am so tired. He wants the flat, the car and most of our savings. He says that if I sign, he will “let” the children stay with me. My brother says I should fight him for every rupee. I only want it to end. If I give him everything he is asking for, will he finally stop?

Lata, I believe you about the tiredness. It is the reason I would ask you not to decide tonight.

The peace you are trying to buy

Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger address your question in their book Splitting, and their answer is not the one exhausted people hope for. Long-term peace, they write, is not won by making large concessions to a partner like this.

Their explanation is that such a person believes the whole thing is your fault, and so regards large concessions as simply what is owed. When you give in, they say, the demands grow. They add a detail that should give you pause. It is often at the moment a person stops conceding that the other side goes to court.

You have been buying quiet for years. Ask yourself what it has bought.

Never sign what is not true

The authors tell the story of a husband whose wife had made a false accusation of violence against him. He was inclined to accept the order she wanted, just to keep the peace and avoid the expense and embarrassment of contesting it.

His lawyer talked him out of it, warning that admitting to something he had not done would follow him for years. He contested it, with a detailed account of what had actually happened, and the order was dropped. A year later, when far worse accusations came, he was deeply glad there was no false history on the record.

Whatever you trade, do not trade the truth about yourself.

Try the quieter rooms first

None of this means you must go to war. Eddy and Kreger are strong advocates of settling outside a courtroom where it can be done: through a mediator, through lawyers negotiating between themselves, or through a team approach known as collaborative divorce.

They give reasons. Agreements create less bitterness and cost less. People also tend to keep to terms they helped to make. And trying to settle does not take away your right to go to court later.

They are realistic about the limits. For a person who thinks in all or nothing, compromise can feel like defeat, and some will insist on a judge. A firm deadline for replying to a proposal often helps.

Small concessions and large ones

The authors do not say never give anything up. Some people have told them they wish they had agreed to an early financial demand, once they saw what a long fight cost. Where a dispute is narrow and can be closed with one payment, a concession you can live with may be the sensible course.

They draw one line without hesitation. A child’s physical or mental wellbeing is never the thing you concede. And they suggest you begin from a position of strength. You can always choose to give up something small at the end. You cannot easily get back what you signed away at the beginning.

Questions before you decide

They pose some questions that deserve honest answers.

• Do you have the stamina for a long process, and people to hold you up?
• If you will be raising children together for years, are you willing to show now that threats do not work?
• Are you prepared to say everything that happened, including the parts you have always hidden?
• Are your expectations realistic? A court can penalise conduct. It cannot change a person.

Not alone, and not at midnight

Their firmest advice is about who is in the room when you decide. A lawyer who will be straight with you. A therapist. One or two steady friends. Not him, and not your own exhaustion.

He has offered to “let” you keep your children. Notice the word. Then take the papers to someone who can tell you what you are actually entitled to.

Family law differs widely between countries and states. This essay is not legal advice. Please speak to a lawyer where you live before you sign or refuse anything.