What If You Never Fight?
The calmest couple in the room may be the loneliest. On good manners, full calendars and slow drift.
Our friends call us the calmest couple they know. We have not argued in years. On our anniversary last week we ran out of things to say before the main course arrived, and we both took out our phones. He is not unkind. I am not exactly unhappy. Is this simply what a long marriage becomes?
Divya, I would be less worried if you had told me about a fight.
What is going on
The family therapist Terrence Real says struggling couples come in two kinds.1 Some fight. Others drift: they stay polite and pleasant, and slowly stop sharing what is going on inside them. We worry about the first kind. The second kind looks perfect from outside.
Real calls this “pseudo-harmony”, which means fake calm. It is peace that comes from avoiding anything difficult, not from feeling truly at ease. Nobody says “that hurt” or “I am angry”, because those feelings seem too messy.
Why does it do so much damage? Because couples build trust by falling out and making up. Each time you hurt each other and repair it, you both learn that the relationship can survive honesty. A couple who never falls out never gets that practice. The small disappointments still happen. They just go unsaid, and pile up.
To be fair, not every quiet couple is in trouble. John Gottman found that couples who avoid conflict can last, as long as there is plenty of warmth: about five warm moments for every negative one.2 So the real question is not “do we fight?” but “is there still warmth, and do we still reach for each other?” Two phones out at an anniversary dinner is worth taking seriously.
What helps
Real’s advice depends on your style. If you get angry quickly and loudly, learn to soften. If, like you, you keep the peace at any cost, your task is the opposite: find your courage and say the true, slightly awkward thing.
“I miss you.” “I felt lonely at dinner.” “I want more than this.” If he looks uncomfortable, keep going. A little discomfort is the price of being known.
When this is not enough. If the distance has turned into feeling low most days, losing interest in things you used to enjoy, or sleeping badly, talk to a doctor or counsellor. That can be depression, and it is treatable. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.