Why Is It So Hard to Ask for a Hug?
Strong at work, sulking at home. The need underneath the silence, and the ten words that replace it.
At the school where he is principal, Siddharth is the calm one everyone brings their problems to.
At seven he comes home. Maya is on the phone with her sister, laughing. She waves and carries on talking. Siddharth says nothing. He puts his bag down a little too hard, shuts a cupboard, sighs. When Maya asks what is wrong, he says, “Nothing.” It will be “nothing” until Thursday.
The children have learned to read the mood in the flat like a weather forecast.
What is going on
This is passive aggression: showing anger without ever saying you are angry. Instead of telling someone what upset you, you punish them with what you do not do, such as going silent, being cold or holding back affection.1 Nothing is said, but everyone in the house feels it.
The family therapist Terrence Real points to what lies underneath. A sulk is a need that has not found its words. Siddharth is not really upset about a phone call. He wanted to come home and feel that he mattered.
Why can he not just say so? Real often finds the same childhood story in men like Siddharth. He was the “good child”: top marks, no trouble, while his parents were busy with siblings who needed more. Because he seemed fine, nobody asked how he felt. He learned to stop noticing his own needs, let alone ask for anything.
So as an adult, needing something feels like weakness. And the need comes out sideways, as a slammed cupboard.
What helps
You cannot be angry with someone for not giving you what you never asked for. Your partner is not a mind reader. Real’s advice is the same thing we tell small children: use your words. Walk over and say, “I could use a hug.”
These small requests matter more than they seem. John Gottman calls them “bids for connection”. In his study of newly married couples, those still together six years later had responded warmly to each other’s bids about 86 percent of the time. Those who divorced, about 33 percent.2 But your partner can only answer a bid you actually make. A sulk is a bid in hiding.
Two things to keep in mind. Asking is not demanding, so if the answer is “not now”, that has to be all right. And you are not handing your partner a hurt child to look after. You are simply telling them what you need.
When this is not enough. If the silence at home has become days of low mood, drinking to cope, or feeling that nothing matters, please see a doctor or counsellor. Men are less likely to ask for this kind of help, and just as likely to benefit. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.