The Open Window

Honesty  ·  Trust

What Do You Owe the Person You Hurt?

A letter from the one who strayed, and an answer about grief, clean breaks and remorse as a daily practice.

4 min read

I ended it eleven days ago. My wife knows. She has barely eaten since. Tonight the other woman messaged to ask if I am okay, and I am sitting in my car outside my own building because I want to answer her and I know I must not. I miss her. I love my wife. Nobody is going to feel sorry for me and I do not expect them to. I only want to know what to do next.

Kunal

Kunal, you have told the truth in this letter. That is a better start than you may realise, so let’s stay with it.

You are right that sympathy will be scarce. You caused this. And you still need to understand what is happening inside you. You cannot repair what you refuse to look at.

You can grieve and still be responsible

The psychologist Shirley Glass counselled hundreds of people in your position.1 She did not excuse them. She did take their inner lives seriously.

She describes people torn between two attachments. They face a loss whichever way they turn, with little support and a great deal of disapproval. Grief, shame, impatience and resentment arrive together, often in the same afternoon.

Research backs the idea that people who stray are often struggling. In two studies of dating couples, people who had been unfaithful reported more distress than faithful partners. Over time, distress came first and the infidelity followed, not the other way round.2

You are allowed to miss her. That grief belongs with a counsellor or a discreet friend. It does not belong on your wife’s shoulders. And it cannot be soothed by the woman you have left.

You are not choosing between two people

When you set your wife beside the other woman, Glass says, you are not comparing two people. You are comparing a romance lived in stolen hours, at its most flattering, with a marriage that includes bills, illness, children and years of knowing each other’s worst habits.

Two month calendars. The affair calendar has four bright evenings and nothing else. The marriage calendar is full: work, illness, bills, children, ordinary Tuesdays.The affair A few bright evenings The marriage Every kind of day
You are not comparing two people. You are comparing a few stolen hours with a whole shared life.1

One of these has never had to survive a Tuesday.

She goes further. Often the real choice is between two parts of yourself. With one person you are adventurous and admired. With the other you are dependable. No wonder ending either one feels like losing a limb.

Her numbers are sobering. Among the unfaithful people she studied who went on to marry the affair partner, 75 percent ended up divorced. She also cites the researcher Annette Lawson. Of those who left a marriage because of an affair, only about 10 percent married the affair partner at all.

Two bars. About 10 in 100 people who left a marriage because of an affair married the affair partner. Of unfaithful people in Glass’s study who did marry the affair partner, 75 in 100 later divorced.Left a marriage for an affair and then married the affair partner about 10 in 100 Married the affair partner, and later divorced 75 in 100
Two sobering figures Glass reports: Annette Lawson’s, and her own. Both describe their study groups, not everyone.1

Do not answer the message

Replying feels like kindness. Glass calls it closer to cruelty, because it tells her the door is still open. You are the wrong person to comfort someone through a loss you caused.

A clean break is the surest way for all three of you to begin healing. If you must see her at work, keep it to work. Never discuss your marriage.

Then do the thing that changes everything at home. Go upstairs and tell your wife.

The same event, two paths. She messages you. If you tell your partner first, trust grows. If you hide it and it is found later, months of repair are undone. She messages you “Are you okay?” You tell your partner first “She wrote to me. I did not answer. I wanted you to hear it from me.” You keep it to yourself Your partner finds it a month later. Trust grows Months of repair undone
A contact you report yourself builds trust. The same contact discovered later can undo months.1

Remorse is a practice

You will be tempted to apologise once, beautifully, and expect to be welcomed back to ordinary life. Glass has a name for this: the “Hi, hon, I’m back” manoeuvre. Your wife is not being difficult. She is injured.

A large review of 175 studies found that a sincere apology goes with more forgiveness. So does the hurt person’s empathy for the one who hurt them. Seeing the harm as deliberate, staying angry and dwelling on it all go with less.3

A chart of what goes with forgiveness across 175 studies. Empathy, r .51, and an apology, r .42, go with more forgiveness. Seeing the harm as intended, r .49, anger, r .41, dwelling on it, r .32, and how severe the harm was, r .27, go with less. ← less forgiveness more forgiveness → .51 Empathy for the other .42 An apology .49 Seeing the harm as intended .41 Anger .32 Dwelling on it .27 How bad the harm was
What goes with forgiveness, from a review of 175 studies with 26,006 people.3 The longer the bar, the stronger the link.

An apology opens the door. Daily behaviour keeps it open. When she checks your phone or asks where you were, it will feel like being controlled. Glass reframes it. This is not about your freedom. It is about her safety. The stance she suggests is, “I will help you check up on me.”

A week of small acts: home when you said, a call before you are late, phone face up, answering the same question again, telling one thing unasked, checking in at lunch, a plan for the weekend together. Mon Home when you said you would Tue Call before you are late Wed Phone face up on the table Thu Answer the same question again, without sighing Fri Tell one thing they did not ask about Sat Plan time together, just the two of you Sun Ask: what do you need from me this week?
Remorse is a practice. Glass’s stance: “I will help you check up on me.”1

When this is not enough. If guilt has turned into hopelessness, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, please see a doctor or clinical psychologist now. You can grieve this and still get help for it. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

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