The Open Window

Boundaries  ·  Honesty

Who Really Knows You?

On walls, windows and the quiet moment when someone else knows more about your life than your partner does.

3 min read

Leela found out at a dinner party.

Her husband’s colleague turned to her, glass in hand. “You must be so relieved he turned down the Singapore offer.” Leela smiled and said yes, very relieved. She had never heard of a Singapore offer.

There was no affair. Nobody had done anything you could name. So why did the drive home feel like the aftermath of a betrayal?

Because closeness is not only about bodies. It is about access. Someone else had been let into a room of her husband’s life that she did not know existed.

Every relationship has a floor plan

Shirley Glass, the psychologist who wrote Not “Just Friends”, gave couples a picture for this.1 She asked one question of any relationship: where are the walls, and where are the windows?

A window is where you let someone see what is really going on with you. A wall is where you hold something back.

In a secure couple, the two of you share a wide window and look out at the world together. Around you stands a wall that keeps everyone else at a friendly distance.

Two floor plans: in a secure couple the window is shared and the wall keeps others out; when they swap, a wall stands between the partners and a window opens to a friend.Secure Swapped shared window You Partner Friend, outside the wall You Partner Friend A wall between partners, a window toward a friend
Glass’s floor plan. Left: the couple share a window and face the world together. Right: a wall has gone up between them, and a window has opened toward someone outside.

The trouble starts when they swap

A wall goes up at home. A window opens somewhere else.

Glass’s test is simple. Compare two things. How much does a friend know about your relationship? How much does your partner know about that friendship? If the first is bigger, the walls and windows have already traded places.

A balance: when a friend knows more about your relationship than your partner knows about that friendship, the scale tips and the walls and windows have swapped. What a friend knows about your relationship What your partner knows about that friendship If the left side is heavier, the walls and windows have already swapped.
Glass’s direction test. The heavier side shows where the real you is going.

It does not have to be romantic. It can be the mother who hears every complaint about your marriage before your partner does. The sibling. The group chat. The child who has become your confidant.

None of these people is a threat. The question is one of direction. At the end of the day, where does the real you go?

Why the window matters so much

Two diary studies asked people to record each conversation straight after it happened. People felt close when they shared something, when the other person shared back, and above all when they felt understood and cared for. Sharing feelings counted for more than sharing facts.2

The Singapore offer was a fact. What Leela missed was the feeling under it. Did he want to go? Was he disappointed? Relieved? Someone else got to hear that part.

A loop of four steps: you share a feeling, your partner responds with understanding, you feel known and cared for, and sharing feels safer the next time. 1. You share a feeling, not only a fact 2. Your partner responds with interest and care 3. You feel known understood and accepted 4. Next time sharing feels safer The shaded step is the one that decides it
How closeness is built, based on Laurenceau and colleagues’ diary studies.2 Sharing feelings counted for more than sharing facts.

A wall is not a failure

None of this asks you to report every passing thought. Glass’s point is narrower. Closeness depends on being open about the things that matter in your life. A job offer in another country matters.

Friendships need walls too, and the good ones have them. A true friend of your relationship listens when you complain about your partner, and then sends you home to sort it out.

A worked example of the floor-plan exercise: your partner in the middle, three confidants around, each labelled with one thing they know that your partner does not. Your partner knows: ? Mother knows: my money worries Best friend knows: that I feel lonely Colleague knows: about the job offer
A filled-in example of this week’s exercise. The question is which list is easier to write.

When this is not enough. If you keep things from your partner because you are afraid of how they will react, that is not a window problem. It is a safety problem. Call the Women Helpline on 181 or emergency services on 112. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

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