The Open Window

Boundaries  ·  Friendship

What Do You Do When an Old Flame Texts?

Love is not a boundary. Seven everyday fences that let a relationship grow in peace.

3 min read

At 11.20 on a Friday night, Zoya’s phone lit up on the sofa cushion.

It was Aman, from college. They had been together for two years at nineteen. The reunion group chat had reconnected them the week before. The message read, “Saw your photo. Same smile. Coffee when I am in town?”

Zoya felt it: a small, bright flutter she had not felt in a long time. She also felt how easy it would be to type “Sure!” and tilt the screen away.

She turned to her husband. “Look who has messaged me. I will admit it gave me a little thrill. Come with me if I go?”

Faisal read it, raised an eyebrow and laughed. “Same smile. Smooth. Yes, I am coming.” The flutter, exposed to air, shrank to its proper size.

Love is not a boundary

We tend to believe that if we love our partner enough, nothing else will get in. The psychologist Shirley Glass ends Not “Just Friends” with a less sentimental view.1 Love alone does not protect a relationship. Boundaries do.

She is just as clear that attraction is normal. Zoya’s flutter does not mean she chose the wrong man. It means she is alive.

The next thirty seconds

What matters is what happens next. Glass names three moves that turn a flicker into a fire. Fantasising about what it would be like. Flirting to show you are available. Walking into situations you already know are risky.

From a flicker of attraction, two paths. Fantasising, flirting and walking into risky situations turn it into a fire. Telling your partner lets it shrink to its proper size. A flicker “Saw your photo. Same smile.” Fantasise about it Flirt back Walk into risky situations A fire Secrecy, then an affair Tell your partner “Look who messaged me. It gave me a little thrill. Come with me?” It shrinks to its proper size
Glass names three moves that feed a flicker. The fourth move, saying it aloud at home, starves it.1

Zoya did none of them. She did what Glass recommends again and again. She told her partner. A secret attraction grows. A shared one shrinks.

Seven fences

These are Glass’s seven tips, restated for a world of smartphones and group chats.

A fence of seven posts, numbered one to seven, around a small garden, each post standing for one of Glass’s seven fences. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 your relationship
Seven fences around one garden. The list below explains each post.1
  1. Windows at home, walls outside. Your partner should know your inner life better than anyone else does. Keep some privacy with people who could become an alternative.
  2. Treat work as the place where it usually starts. Vary who you have lunch and coffee with. On work trips, meet in the lobby or the restaurant, never in a room.
  3. Do not become someone’s rescuer. An attractive, unhappy person pouring their heart out to you is the most common first step. Be kind, and point them toward other help.
  4. Take relationship problems home. If you must confide in someone, choose a person who is on the side of your relationship.
  5. Meet old flames in company. Reunions and “just catching up” go better with your partner beside you.
  6. Keep your phone showable. Nothing in your messages that you would hide. No sexual talk with anyone else, however playful.
  7. Choose your crowd. Spend time with people who respect commitment. Glass notes that people are more likely to stray when their friends do.

A fence is not a cage

Does this sound like suspicion? Glass uses a gardener’s image for it. A fence lets you concentrate on what is growing on your own side.

The difference between a fence and a cage matters. In a set of experiments, people’s attention was quietly steered away from attractive strangers. They became less satisfied and less committed. They also became more interested in the people they had been kept from noticing. The researchers point out that choosing for yourself where to look is a different matter.2

Two panels. When people choose for themselves to look away from attractive others, it can protect the relationship. When their attention was steered away without their knowing, satisfaction and commitment fell and interest in others rose. A fence you choose You decide where your attention goes. A cage put on you In the lab, attention was steered away without people knowing. Can protect the relationship Satisfaction and commitment fell; interest in others rose
DeWall and colleagues’ forbidden fruit experiments. A fence you choose works. A cage put on you backfires.2

The best fence is also a well-tended garden. In a brain-imaging study, people reminded of what was new and exciting in their own relationship responded less to attractive strangers.3

When a relationship feels new and exciting, the brain responds less to attractive strangers. Something new together A trip, a class, a shared challenge Less pull from attractive strangers
Tsapelas, Beckes and Aron found that reminding people of the novelty in their own relationship dulled the brain’s response to attractive strangers.3 Tend the garden, and the fence has less to hold back.

And for the anxious, Glass offers this. There are no guarantees about the future, only odds, and you improve them each day you tend the relationship. Worry will not change tomorrow. It will take the pleasure out of today.

An example fence check. Seven fences each scored 0, 1 or 2. In the example, the weakest are keeping your phone showable and meeting old flames in company.1. Windows at home, walls outside 2 2. Vary who you lunch with 1 3. Do not become a rescuer 2 4. Take problems home 2 5. Old flames in company 0 6. Phone you could show 0 7. Choose your crowd 1 0 missing · 1 patchy · 2 solid
An example of the fence check, filled in. Each person scores only themselves.

When this is not enough. If a boundary is being forced on you, with your phone checked, your friends cut off or threats made, that is control, not a fence. Call the Women Helpline on 181 or emergency services on 112. Need to talk to someone now? Tele MANAS is free, day and night, on 14416.

Inat Therapy · Anahita Tanwar, Clinical Psychologist · online sessions across India

These pages are for reflection and self-help. They are not therapy and do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, Tele MANAS offers free support day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112.

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