What Grief Does to Your Body and Mind

Three weeks after her husband died, Shobha put the milk in the cupboard and the sugar in the fridge. She found her spectacles in the bread tin. At the prayer meeting on the thirteenth day, she could not remember the name of a cousin she had known all her life. That night she lay awake and asked herself a frightening question. Was grief damaging her mind?

Shobha was not losing her mind

The next morning, Shobha told her doctor what was happening. The doctor listened carefully. Then she said something Shobha did not expect: “Nothing is wrong with your mind. This is what grief does.”

Most of us think grief is only sadness. In fact, grief affects the whole person. It reaches the body, the mind, the feelings and sleep. Shobha had a tight feeling in her chest, but her heart was healthy. She felt tired all day, but she could not sleep at night. She cried at a television advertisement, even though she had not cried at the funeral.

All of these reactions are common. If yours are different, they are still normal. There is no correct way to grieve.

Why the mind feels foggy

The doctor explained the fog with a simple picture. Imagine that you wake up each morning with one hundred coins of energy to spend. Before the loss, you spent them on ordinary things like cooking, work, bills and people. Now grief takes almost all of the coins. Missing him takes some. The shock takes some. Going over what happened takes some. By the time you reach the kitchen, you have perhaps one coin left.

With one coin left, it makes sense that Shobha forgot where she kept her spectacles. It was not carelessness. Her mind was busy with the biggest job it had ever been given, which was understanding that her husband was gone. The grief writer Megan Devine, who lost her own partner, uses this same picture to explain why grieving people feel so foggy.

Let the paper remember for you

Shobha’s daughter came to stay for a week, and together they made daily life a little easier. They stuck notes on the fridge. One note said, “Tablet at 9 a.m.” Another said, “Your spectacles live by the window.” They also set reminders on Shobha’s phone for meals and bills. Shobha no longer had to remember everything herself. The paper remembered for her.

Small things count as a full day

Shobha’s daughter also changed the way they talked about each day. Every evening she asked, “What did you manage today?” Some days the answer was small. Shobha had bathed, eaten a little khichdi and sat on the balcony. Her daughter told her that this was a full day’s work. Shobha could not do what she did a month ago, because a month ago she was not carrying this grief.

Looking after the body helps as well. Drinking water helps, because crying dries you out. Eating something helps, even if it is only a little. Fresh air helps, even if it is only the balcony. None of this removes grief, but it gives your body a little more strength to carry it.

One more rule matters a great deal. Do not drive when you are crying hard or feeling very upset. If a wave of grief comes while you are driving, pull over and wait until it passes.

Sleep and bad dreams

For weeks, Shobha woke up at three in the morning. Sometimes she dreamed of the hospital. Sometimes she dreamed that she had to tell the family the news, again and again. Dreams like these are frightening, but they are very common in grief. Many people find it helps to think of them as the mind slowly working through the loss.

Shobha found a small routine for those nights. When a dream woke her, she switched on the bedside lamp and drank a glass of water. She said quietly to herself, “This is my mind working through it.” Then she played a bhajan her husband had loved until she felt calmer. If sleep would not come back, she lay down and rested anyway, because rest still helps the body. If poor sleep goes on for several weeks, it is a good idea to talk to a doctor.

How it went for Shobha

Two months later, Shobha still missed her husband every single day. The fog had not gone, but it had become thinner. She still forgot things, but now she smiled at the notes on the fridge. Most importantly, she was no longer afraid that something was wrong with her. She understood that her body and mind were doing the hard work of grief.