Guides and worksheets for unclear loss
When someone is gone, but not gone.
A son who stopped calling. A husband lost in a flood. A mother with dementia who no longer knows your name. These are losses without an ending. Here are stories, guides and worksheets to help you live with them.
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A loss without an ending
Most losses have a clear ending. Someone dies, the family performs the last rites, and grief can begin. But some losses never end clearly. The person is missing, or they are still here in body but lost in mind. There is no funeral and no answer, and the people who love them are left waiting.
The family therapist Pauline Boss calls these ambiguous losses, which means unclear losses. She has spent decades studying how families live with them. Her main finding is hopeful: people cannot always get an answer, but they can learn to live well without one.
There are two kinds of unclear loss. Tap each one to see some examples.
The person is physically gone, but still alive in your heart and mind, and nobody knows for certain what happened.
- Missing after a flood, earthquake or accident
- A child who ran away, or a son who stopped calling
- A family member taken, kidnapped or trafficked
- A parent who left after a divorce and lost touch
- A child given up for adoption
The person is physically here, but their mind, memory or spirit seems to have gone.
- Dementia or Alzheimer’s disease
- A brain injury, stroke or coma
- Addiction to alcohol or drugs
- Severe depression or mental illness
- A partner so lost in work or a phone that nobody is home
Guides
Seven stories, seven guides
A Loss Without a Name
Some people are lost to us without dying. This guide explains why that kind of loss is so hard, and why it is not your fault.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 2Making Sense When There Are No Answers
When nobody can tell you what happened, you can still find ways to make sense of your life. This guide shows how one family did it.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 3When You Cannot Fix It
Some losses cannot be solved, however hard you try. This guide is about putting your effort where it can make a difference.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 4Who Am I Now?
When someone is lost but not gone, the people around them often lose their sense of who they are. This guide is about finding it again.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 5Love, Anger and Guilt All at Once
Unclear loss almost always brings mixed feelings. This guide explains why, and why they do not make you a bad person.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 6Holding On While Living On
You do not have to stop loving someone who is missing. This guide is about keeping the bond while still moving forward, and finding hope that fits.
Read the guide · 4 minGuide 7Here, But Not Really Here
Sometimes the person we have lost is sitting in the same room. This guide is about living with a partner or parent lost to addiction or illness, and looking after yourself.
Read the guide · 4 minWorksheets
Ten worksheets to fill in on screen or print
About
You may never get an answer. You can still find a way to live well.
Unfinished Goodbyes is a set of story-led guides and worksheets for families living with an unclear loss: a person who is missing, or a person who is here but no longer fully present.
The ideas draw on Loss, Trauma, and Resilience (2006) by the family therapist Pauline Boss, who developed the idea of ambiguous loss. The words, stories, illustrations and worksheets here are new, and written for readers in India. The stories are composites, and the names are invented.
These pages are for reflection. They are not therapy, and they do not replace a doctor, counsellor or lawyer. If you are struggling, please reach out. Tele MANAS is free and open day and night on 14416. In an emergency, call 112. For a missing person, always file a police report.